This body belongs to mystery and not to lenses or scrutiny
This body belongs to the forms of the rolling land which are monstrous and wyrd. This body and nervous system is made to read the land and the correspondences, the relationships the synchronies and answer back in the same language I do not belong to typical anything-meaning the usual: Cis & Het normativity, Neurotypicality, Oppressive Beauty and Ability Standards, Patriarchy, or the usual suspects. BUT ALSO: desirability, queer normativity, able-norms, social norms or any other norms that are still perpetuated in cultures that claim to counter the dominant oppressive one. Normativity haunts my body, Makes me constrict Makes me fear repercussions, exclusion, abandonment. Makes me mask, yes outwardly, but also to myself, Makes me bury the best of me Makes me demand of myself-what does my felt sense or ND perception “mean” or even what is it “good for” and seeks to process my everyday beingness and the difference of it into a meme or hot take. Seeks to make my perception of Whole Time into a digestible article or post. And there’s value in that. But I want to point out, that neurotypical ppl do not have to explain their basic beingness, in a meme or social media post, or as a caveat or disclaimer to being in relationships, or to being heard, or at all. Because my Beingness is so different and folks don’t get it, I’m over here trying to write an article about it in neurotypical english. In hopes of connecting with or being helpful to other autistics and the cause of neurodivergence-awareness, In hopes of creating a crack in our cultures that might widen into a space for ppl like me but that crack keeps threatening to close back up again. Will it be wide enough for comfort ever? Someday but maybe not this lifetime? Much of the time I’m too tired. So would anyone be if they had to explain or rationalize their Baseline of Being for other ppl before they can meet you. My poetic entanglement with myself and the land (not separate) is much more satisfying. Yesterday, I just wanted to go to the forest and See. As soon as my bike rounded the crest of the hill and my vision filled up with oak trees and pale yellow grass, all my systems started to regulate. Then I was “normal” as far as the word can ever apply to someone like me. That was my “normal” for me.
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